People have many questions

As a donor-conceived child with two mothers, you may encounter many questions from both close acquaintances and strangers. Tore can certainly relate to that. When we asked him what he is most often asked, he quickly listed the top three:

• Who is your “real” mother?
• Do you know your “father”?
• Do you feel like you are missing a father?

To avoid too many questions, Tore has become good at taking matters into his own hands:

“Often, I choose to explain the basic things myself before they even get the chance to ask. That usually works quite well, and then we move on.

In general, I get a lot of positive reactions, and people think it’s interesting and cool that I have two mothers.”

No stupid questions

We asked Tore whether there were questions that have annoyed him, but he says no.

“People aren’t that creative, so it’s often the same questions I get. It can be a bit tiring to answer the same questions again and again, but even that I’m actually fine with.”

Tore has also never felt upset by any specific questions:

“In my view, people should just ask whatever they feel like. One single question usually makes me start explaining more.”

“Father”

Many of the questions Tore has encountered revolve around who his “father” is. And he can understand that, even though he doesn’t have a father:

“The concept of ‘father’ doesn’t mean anything to me. Personally, I would refer to my sperm donor simply as my donor. If others refer to my donor as my father, it doesn’t bother me, and I know what they mean.”

Another question that often comes up is: Have you ever missed having a father?
To that, Tore replies:

“No, I haven’t. I’ve always just had two mothers, so the idea of having a father feels completely strange and unnatural to me.

I also think that anyone who has a father would find it strange to imagine having two mothers.”

Questions about mothers

Tore has also been asked whether his relationship with his two mothers differs, and whether he feels a difference between his biological and non-biological mother:

“I don’t feel any difference at all. I don’t feel more attached to one than the other, and likewise I don’t feel that my mothers are more strongly attached to me than they are to my siblings, and vice versa.”

We also asked Tore what he thinks is the best thing about having two mothers:

“I don’t think there is anything in particular that is ‘the best’ just because my parents are two women.

The best thing is simply that my mothers are my parents, and I couldn’t wish for or imagine anyone better than them.”

Questions about siblings

Tore’s two siblings were born to his non-biological mother. Therefore, he is often asked: Does it matter that you don’t have the same biological mother?

“No, it doesn’t. I think it’s interesting that you can see and feel that we don’t have the same biological mother. But it has never mattered, and I have never felt less like their sibling because we don’t share the same biological mother.

The same goes for my mothers: my non-biological mother is just as much my mother as my biological mother.”

The importance of the donor

Tore’s donor is a No ID Release donor, which means Tore does not have the option of learning the donor’s identity—and he is completely fine with that.

“I don’t really feel that I have a need or desire to know much about him. It might be a bit fun to know a little more [beyond the information I already have], but overall, it just doesn’t matter that much to me. He is just my donor.”

We also asked what other thoughts Tore has had about his donor, to which he replied:

“Sometimes I think about whether I’ve inherited something from him and whether I might resemble him. But he takes up almost no space in my life.

I’ve seen a childhood photo of him and know that he is a veterinarian, and that information is more than enough for me.”

Tore’s advice to parents of donor-conceived children

Here at the clinic, we often receive questions from parents of donor-conceived children about how to talk to their children about the donor. We therefore asked Tore the same question:

“I think parents should just be neutral about it and say things as they are. When you grow up knowing that you are donor-conceived, it feels normal, natural, and not at all like a problem—because you’ve simply been used to it your whole life.”

We also asked Tore how he remembers being told that he is donor-conceived:

“I can’t remember being told, and I really just feel like it’s something I’ve always known.”

Tore’s advice to donor-conceived children

Tore understands that for some children and young people it can be annoying to deal with the same questions again and again. Still, he encourages them to try to answer the questions:

“You shouldn’t take it too seriously if people ask awkward questions. For many, it’s not a very typical topic to talk about, and I’ve experienced people asking in a slightly strange way.

At the same time, I’ve also been able to sense that it was out of pure curiosity and with no intention of being annoying.

So just answer the questions as best you can, and don’t take it too seriously if it sounds a bit strange.”

Thank you Tore for being so open and honest!

 

Blog post written by Diers IUI